So, one day as we were having lunch with the children and we started talking about boyfriends and girlfriends. The children were telling us about whether they already had one, who they were going to marry and how many children they were going to have. It was a very cute and engaging conversation until one boy said that he was going to marry his best friend, also a boy. The kids got quiet and one girl said that he can’t do that because boys cannot marry boys and girls cannot marry girls. It was then and there I started to think more about‚ gender identity and equality. It has always been a topic I felt very strong about but more in relation with adolescents and adults but hardly with very young children.
I work with small children at our preschool (2-4,5) and it’s quite normal that children want to dress in the clothes of the other sex. There are many reasons, from more serious ones such as ‘My mum likes my sister better because she is a girl’ to a simple one: ‘The games of boys are more adventurous, I also want to be a pirate’. Well, how come it is more acceptable for society when girls dress up as boys but when a boy wants to dress up as a princess, most parents would try to talk him out of it. Why do we smile when we see a girl playing with cars but maybe look concern when a boy plays with Barbie dolls.
A had a boy a few years ago in my group. He loved to play with trains and cars but his best friend happened to be a girl. In summer he liked to come in a dress. The reason was very simple. First of all, he found it more comfortable running around in high summer temperatures and second of all, he wanted to be like his ‘best friend’. The mum travelled by public transport across the city to bring him to our school and I applaud her for being so brave. I applaud her for letting her son be her son and not ‘an image of a son’. When I asked her she said that she could not come up with a good reason why NOT when her son expressed his wish to wear a pretty flowery dress.
I understand that gender issues are more complex and I could not possibly cover everything here but I would like to share with you few facts about how young children learn to understand their gender and maybe it will help us all to UNDERSTAND too.
2-year-olds can tell the difference between boys and girls and will label people accordingly. However, they believe that gender can change and is not permanent.
3 to 4-year-olds believe at the beginning that gender can change and is not permanent but as they mature they start to understand that gender is stable over time; however, they often think that changing physical appearance or activities can change them into the other sex.
5 to 6-year-olds – understand gender consistency, the idea that they are one gender and will remain that gender for life.
There are of course children who struggle with their gender identity and struggle with their true identity till adulthood.
So here is my wish. I wish that all children have the opportunity to go through these natural developmental stages and we let them figure out what they are, rather then tell them. It is our duty as parents and teachers to support them, encourage them and not to discriminate or punish them for what they are.
Lucie – Pre n’ Playschool Leader